Archive for September, 2008

The Family Stone, version 137

// September 13th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

OK, so I haven’t written about all versions of my family’s propensity for forming kidney stones (it would take volumes), but today it’s time again.

My baby. Alone. In a strange town. 110 miles away. No family doctor – until now. And though he wouldn’t ever admit it… scared to death. I first heard the shakey uncertainty in his voice yesterday when he called about the blood and the tender, achy “brother.” (What, you didn’t know those two little things down there are called brothers?) First the blood, then the pain, then the SCATHING PAIN, the doctor, the barf-in-the-biohazard-bag, the CT $can, the drugs….oh my, what’s a mother to do? I called too often. I heard about the worst of it after the fact, and I prayed. Oh, did I pray. Like a…

Down.
On.
My.
Knees.
Praying.
Fool.

For 36 hours.
Thank you, my God, for Your answer!

KT said she felt in her heart it wasn’t really serious, that her gut said he was going to be fine, but Moms don’t think that way and the nurse brain totally loses reason and critical thinking when your baby’s involved. But after gallons of Crystal Light, a shot in the butt, a trip to the pharmacy, and a subsequent drug-induced coma, I think the worst is over. Or seems to be. And I so wanted to be there, to do something, to, yes, baby him. He is and always will be, after all, my baby.

The worst part of this, really? Now that it’s over? Now that I know he’s ok?

::: He really didn’t need me after all :::

Selfish, selfish me.
Tea tonight: Harney & Sons Green with citrus & ginko

Praying for….the balance sheet??

// September 5th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Over the past few months I’ve found myself praying more for my job – that the circumstances (and yes, admittedly, some of the people) would change, that it would bring me more joy, that it would turn once again into a 40-50 hour a week pleasure, rather than the 60-70 hour obligation it has become. I hoped “the suits” would start to “get it” rather than insisting on conforming to the lowered standards of care that unfortunately are a result of their beefed-up productivity demands. In this world of older, sicker (and in my case younger and sicker and going back to work) patients, the convoluted data on the spreadsheet cannot possibly allow what is right for our patients.

Let me start with the premise that no healthcare provider would even exist without the patient. That is why the industry was created in the first place – because of the need to care for the ill, the infirm, the broken, the terrified. I work under a Mission Statement (and was asked to sign a paper that I agreed to uphold it) that declares we are “..committed to living out the healing ministry of the Judeo-Christian tradition by providing exceptional and compassionate healthcare services that promotes the dignity and well being of the people we serve…” Sounds great, huh? In fact, this statement reflects exactly my heart, my beliefs, my spiritual journey – everything I believe God has called me to do. So what’s the problem? Sounds like a perfect work/life balance, doesn’t it?

Not so fast.

Let’s call it The Gap, since I haven’t shopped there in several years. It appears I’m at The Gap – the huge Gap between what we say, and what I, as a follower of Christ first, and a health care provider second (or third, or fourth) am called to do. Minister. Serve. Witness. Not just to the patients, but to colleagues, fellow employees whom I have never met, and strangers walking the halls. I will never leave my profession. (Note, I didn’t say my job). I will never compromise my standards or my values. But tonight there’s tremendous cognitive dissonance as that gap widens because of the ever-present balance sheet, and the people who think that you can provide compassionate care with the formula function in Excel. I am unable to fulfill my personal mission OR my employer’s mission, and what is really hard to understand is this – THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME. What’s up with that? I wonder if this post will get me fired. In the meantime, I feel like I am being called to close The Gap, if it means walking away from 35 years of loyalty, sacrifice, joy, Godly coworkers. I regret the lost time with my family. Even my dog wonders who I am these days. And I guess I do, too.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24

Tea tonight: Mai Feng

Newer Entries »