Steele (the Day)

Solitude

// July 6th, 2009 // 23 Comments » // Uncategorized

Is your head ever so full of thoughts and emotions and intentions that you become totally separated from the world around you? What do you do when your mind is spinning?

Sometimes family will say “What are you mad about?” or “What’s wrong with you?” when I am lost in thought. I can’t chat because my head is just too loud and I’m trying to quiet it.

I was like that today.

After an extremely emotional church service and beautiful worship music, I just felt like my head was going to explode. It was one of those messages you want all of your kids to hear (and anyone else in your life), just to share the common awe. What happens to me is that when I continue to reflect long after the message is over and the tasks at hand have begun, I become very quiet.

This is not the usual me. I’m known to just blurt out random things, but not this time. My head (and heart) were reeling and I felt the need to be with those thoughts. Not alone, just with God and what message he was so strongly sending me, about how he cares more about my character than my comfort (thanks, Rick Warren), and I wanted to soak all that in. It was one of those Sundays when you wonder if the pastor was peeking into your life and brain all week, and he knew what you needed to hear.

Ron Burgundy and KT went for a run this afternoon and I was shortly behind on my bike. I rode the 21+ miles up to the labyrinth and back, alone with my thoughts. Sort of – I listened to the last of the “Q” series again, like twice wasn’t enough. I can see why someone hacked Pete Wilson’s Twitter account. I’d like to hack his brain.

My ride was pretty quiet – said hello to lots of people, gave directions to the A&W to one couple, then ran into an old friend who demanded a stare-down with me. I won. She ran quickly into the woods as I tried to take her picture without the zoom. Didn’t help that my hands were shaking. I don’t think she knew I was more scared of her than she was of me. Truth be told, we’re both pretty harmless. And then I found some of that “knee high by the Fourth of July” corn we grow here in Iowa and sort of dreamed about walking into it and disappearing like all of Shoeless Joe’s friends did in Field of Dreams. For the record, I’m standing up in this picture. I did walk into the field, but came out the same person, in the flesh. And sweat. Imagine that.
It was all in all a good day, though I’m still feeling rather pensive. RB and I worked on some budget items tonight and he’s crashed in bed after a long, hot 8 mile run. KT has gone back to her home away from home, and hopefully tomorrow we’ll all wake up after a peaceful night’s sleep and remember that it’s a new day and God is the same as he was the day before and the day before that and the day before that….

He’s got everything covered.

Tea today: green with pomegranate

The Community of GOD (or spell it backwards if you must).

// March 28th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Uncategorized

Do not read this if you are not a dog lover. You will be bored out of your mind, and you will think I’m out of mine.

Sometimes we do things that seem so stupid to others. A waste of time. Or important things to you become habits. Like brushing your teeth, pouring your coffee (or so they say, I’ve never had a cup), or tying your shoes.

And emailing dogs.

Lucky’s been doing it for several months now, after he joined Doggyspace. He has special friends like Jack-Jack, Sandy, 12, Chappy & Whiskey, Kane, and Sierra, just to name a few. There are even friends like Moses who are already at the Rainbow Bridge and tell him how wonderful it is there, how he will run like a puppy again when he gets there. They are doggie bloggers. They are not people. They type and they send (virtual) gifts like bones and frisbees and basketballs, and they have favorite sports teams like the Cubs, the Michigan State Spartans, and the Arizona Cardinals.

So when Lucky responds to these emails, it is not me.

It is Lucky. And he so dearly loves our new friends.

I know they are real dogs and not blogging people. They talk about their “furiends” and their “pawrents” and pray with “paws together.” They send quick messages like “OMD” and “BOL” and even “ROFBOL.” They tell you what a “pawsome” friend you are and mail you bandannas purchased from non-profit organizations that care for hungry, hurt puppies. Someone is always there to give you a “Paws Up.”

These dogs have been raised by loving pawrents parents, so they have learned well. They have Doggy Prayer Chains, Secret Paws, and a Cheer Up Campaign headed by Gizmo, which is much like my Bible study group at church. They know when Lucky needs some cheering up, and the emails just keep coming. And then Hans at the Bridge or Moses shows up with encouragement like “keeping my angel wings around you” and you know that yes, everything will be ok in the end.

They ask “can you ask your mom to send me the recipe for your soup?” and “are you snuggling with your mom and dad tonight?” And when he has “accidents,” they tell him how much his pawrents love him anyway and not to feel bad. They even send tips on how he can clean the inside of my computer screen, just in case he gets too much pupkiss on it.

They even have their own private jokes, like The Community Service Haircut or The World’s Smartest Dog.

Lucky always responds from his heart. When he’s sad, it shows. When he’s peaceful, it shows. When he’s restless, it shows. He wears his heart (and mine) on his paw.

And as he’s dying and moving closer to the Rainbow Bridge, well, that shows, too.

When Lucky gets on this computer, it means he needs his friends, and he’s in the zone. So don’t you dare bother him, or for heaven’s Bridge’s sake, change your password without telling him. He’ll give you the stink-eye, for sure.

Doggyspace isn’t addicting, but getting into the heart of my dog in his final days sure is.

Note to Lucky: please drink some water tonight. Please? It’s been 3 days and you are very dehydrated. Moses and Hans say you’re not quite ready to visit them yet.

Doggone "C" word

// November 23rd, 2008 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Lucky’s not feeling well today. But probably better than I am. He seems to have a better peace about him than I do. ***heavy sigh***

Weather Fit for a Dog

// October 31st, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

They say animals know more than we think they do. If the truth is known, they probably know more than we do. Usually on nice days, Lucky likes to be outside for prolonged periods, but only if someone is within sight of him. Go around the house with the pruners in hand, and he’s a barking, whining, canine fool.

Out of my body and into Him

// September 28th, 2008 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

***Update – original post is below***
Church services this morning were perfect. From 9-12 I cried, albeit holy-grace-and-mercy crying. “Why?” you ask?

1. Glorious One
2. So High
3. How Great Thou Art (as only the PLC praise band can do)
4. Made to Worship
5. You are Mine (Jan sang it just like she will will sing it at my funeral. Ever felt like you were crying at your own funeral?)
6. Pastor John’s sermon – Game on, Fuller. (Praying my family will listen to the audio or watch the video online)
7. Saw an old tennis friend I haven’t connected with in months. In a service of 700 people, how would it come to be that she sat right behind me? Coincidence? I think not. Someone put her there.

So I’m much better now than the post I did earlier, and I’m ready to tackle this messy life, one dog hair and laundry load at a time.

All. Is. Well.

And I anticipate that God is going to do something awesome today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I can’t explain it, but this morning I’m bound and determined to make it a better one. I felt so “not of this world” that I was in. I was extremely tired, puffy, and nauseated all week long, and yesterday was no different and perhaps worse. I felt profoundly lonely, though there were family and friends around me all day long. I know everyone has days like that – some people can just blow through them and usually I can, too. But yesterday was deeply different. I was with people to whom I should have been more affable, more gracious. But I felt like my spirit and legs were knocked right out from under me and I couldn’t function. I had not one ounce of energy. I felt robbed, broken, and left at the side of the road.

All. Day. Long.

I‘m convinced that Jesus uses dark days to bow to Him, to bring us closer in our relationship with Him, and submit to Him things that darken our hearts and minds that the “average Joe” wouldn’t think He could fix. I went to bed very early and read and listened to His word before drifting off to sleep. It was probably the best nights sleep I’ve had in a couple of weeks, and when I awakened long before sunrise today, I felt extreme gratitude for that (the good night’s sleep, not the “before sunrise” part).

This morning I’m going to church-hop for 3 hours of nothing but Him and me. I’m going to try to put some semblance of order to my emotional and physical houses. Both are in horrible disarray.

Yes, it will be a better day.

Despite still being puffy. And nauseated. And lonely.

Again.

Tea today: a Salada green something or other, free sample, it will do

The guy at the lake

// August 7th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

He was young, 20ish, tanned, muscular, in a white tank top, sandals, and sitting with a forlorn posture looking out over the lake, chin in hands, elbows on knees. I thought about him as I passed by on my walk. Was he praying? Was he crying? Is he broke? Is his mom sick? Did his girl dump him? Something big was obviously on his mind, because as I returned to my car 45 min later, it appeared he had not moved a skosh. By his posture, I don’t think he was out there singing praises. For the half mile he was in my line of vision on the way back, I contemplated walking the 30 yards across the grass to tell him…..what? What would I say? Ask if he’s ok? If he needs anything? Just tell him I prayed for him for 2 1/2 miles? Would he be offended? Angry? Lash out? So rather than having bold “Jesus feet” I just kept walking. But I did pray for him (lame, I know – ultimate passive/aggressive). I hope he’s ok. I regret not saying anything to him. You just never know when you’re going to touch a heart, help a lost soul — but the
skeptic, untrusting side of me said :::stay back:::

I believe now I was wrong to keep walking. Maybe he’ll be there tomorrow. This is going to haunt me all night. I know there were times when my kids could have used a friendly stranger.
Tea tonight: Stash Green & White Fusion

Sick as a dog.

// July 30th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

My stomach is in knots tonight – perhaps if there weren’t several things hammering on my heart it wouldn’t feel so sickening. But the sad, whimpering, helpless puppy next to me curled up on the “boat blanket” on the couch just breaks my heart. He won’t eat. He can’t walk. He has two bandaged bloody feet that I really think are the least of his problems. He twitches and shakes like he has a palsy of some kind. I had to carry him outside (no small feat) to go potty because he couldn’t walk to the door. He can’t tell me anything, but keeps turning his sad brown eyes my direction as if to say “Help me, Mom. You’re the nurse around here.” I know he likes to be cuddled and have his ears stroked, so that’s about all I can do for him. I did give him an aspirin, thinking that if I could keep him away from chewing on the bloody feet, at least the rest of him might feel better. I wonder if his stomach feels like mine. Empty. There’s no way a morsel of food would stay down tonight. Or even make its way down. Pray for Lucky puppy. He is, after all, 98 years old, but I just don’t want him to hurt or feel scared. Even Snickers knows something’s up – she’s hovering around him like she has a job to do. If God takes him, I can accept that, but please oh God, make it be painless. And please tell me all good dogs go to heaven. I know You’re hurting, too -2 Corinthians 1:7. Wow.
No tea tonight – won’t go down.

Happy Birthday to Me.

// July 28th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

OK, so it’s not my birthday. But it was my birthday “weekend” (like at my age I need one of those) and I got a birthday pie and I got birthday presents and I got birthday hugs and spent time with birthday friends. Ol’ practical me. Sometimes God speaks through friends….and Walm@rt gift cards, free produce, and shampoo samples. Now I’m prayerfully drained and it’s bedtime but I can’t stop praying now – it’s just too early. He’s still got some work to do, some light to shine, some grace to give, some hearts to enter, some heads to clear. I will help like it’s my job. Because it is.

No tea at Gma’s

Missing Tim

// June 17th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I really liked Tim Russert. Aside from the fact I become easily enamored by people on TV who actually know what they’re talking about, and who actually know who they are talking to, he was a genuine “down home” boy who never forgot where he came from. He exuded humility. You could see that in his interviews, in his shows, and in the respect he showed to everyone. He helped me understand politics the way Mr. Hamilton never could (besides, at that time, spit wads and passing notes had priority). I felt like I knew him – and surely he knew me. After all, he was in my family room talking several times a week. And I loved the way he unapologetically spoke of his faith and loved his family. I am as fascinated with his death as I was his life.

So when I heard he died of a heart attack, I was particularly taken aback. Was I surprised? Absolutely not. Was I saddened? Oh yes. I’ve been in the health/prevention/cardiac business for over 34 years, and my husband (who is Tim’s age) will tell you I predicted Mr. Russert’s demise a month or so ago. And I only saw him on TV – never met the guy in person. It was the weight, fluid retention, hard-driving style that told me he was working his way to heaven on the fast track. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

So a word to all of you twenty-somethings out there – here’s the skinny, and I don’t use that word loosely. Take heart, Luke Russert. Carry your dad’s legacy and listen up. Heart disease doesn’t start in adulthood – it starts in childhood with poor choices (our “All-American” choices) including food, drink (aka alcohol), and activity. There’s a little bit of bad luck involved, but as many scientists will tell you, “Genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger.” Some of us just picked the wrong mom and dad when it comes to heart disease. But when your mom said eat your vegetables, dine from the sea, stay out of the cookie jar, and go ride your bike, it wasn’t for punishment. It was because Mom Always Knows Best (well, some do) and she loves you. Fatty streaks, the precursor to coronary artery disease, have been found in children as young as ten. The damage to the arteries occurs over time, and by the time you have a piece of plaque that is blocking 30-40% of an artery, you are a heart attack waiting to happen, and it’s quite possible you may be only 30-something. Those 30-40% blockages are the causes of heart attacks, not the 100% blockages. And always keep that waist size under 40 (women – 35). And women are just as vulnerable as men – often moreso.

My heavy heart is with the Russert family. Apparently God needed a really smart politico in heaven before this election. And maybe this is a message to us all. Take care of yourself before something preventable has it’s way with you, slams you, cripples you, kills you, has your family asking why?? Because once it strikes, it never goes away. Unless you’re superhuman like the Dean Ornish type (kudos to them).

There is nothing more sad that a 30-40 year old bypass patient (or dead person) with small children left to survive on their own. Out of work, disabled from heart disease, fear of walking to the mailbox lest another event is precipitated, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good blood pressure, good cholesterol, and proper weight in your early years do not make you immune from the disease process. It is happening as I speak. And for the sake of your body, that holy temple the Good Lord blessed you with, keep the trash out of it, keep it moving, and pray like it’s your last day on earth.

Heart disease was not Tim’s bailiwick. Journalism is not mine. Surely we can all help each other.
Tea tonight: Heavenly Tea Organic Bamboo Green (how appropriate!)

pRaYeRs for a rAiNy sUnDaY

// June 8th, 2008 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

There’s something to be said for a day that God has literally made me a prisoner in my own home. I guess prisoner is rather strong – “blessed me with chosen captivity?” The rain has not stopped for nearly 24 hours, to the point that gutters are overflowing, the pond is at it’s brink and dribbling over the edge, and the grass (aka hayfield) that was mowed yesterday will be another inch taller tomorrow. I don’t think R’s blisters from the last mower marathon have healed yet. So with tornado warnings, torrential rain, and streets filled with rushing water, I’m not budging, though the only place I’d intended to go was the gym. And maybe for a few groceries. Pasta will do us for yet another night. Pair that with random left-overs and we won’t starve. I have eggs and free asparagus, so an asparagus popover may be in order. One serving of lettuce which can be easily stretched for two. One sweet potato which would serve two, but Mr. Picky won’t eat that. So I’ve spent the day between doing a work project (sounds so much more important than a “mandatory annual assignment”) and cleaning bathrooms, putting up the rest of the screens (irony – can’t even open the windows!), and the ever-present dusting, vacuuming, and laundry. But had this been a sunny day I would have taken a very long bike ride and gotten nothing else done. I would have ridden for hours into God’s country. I woke up with the “I need to get away from it all” mindset. God had different plans – His persistent “wherever you go, there you are” control that He frequently reminds me about. So despite invites from two different friends for different entertainment options, I stayed here, moped a bit, prayed for some answers to a few questions weighing on my mind, one of which was “How could I lose the key to the $49,000 car that was entrusted to me this weekend and where is it?” Only One knows the answers.

And for sure, my back goes out more than I do.
Tea tonight: Green with pink grapefruit – “Sip for the Cure”